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But this time - this one in particular - we went to New York and I dare say I loved it and I hope to return soon. We visited the Soup Nazi's soup kitchen - in fact called Soup Kitchen International and possessing regulations slightly less draconian but no less Byzantine than those portrayed humour-fictionalistically in Seinfeld - spied on Sarah Jessica Parker qua Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City house and then spied on Sarah Jessica Parker's real house, and then ate pasta at a restaurant where we were served by a coked-out waiter who called all the girls at the table "hon" while the manager ordered hits on jabronies (or whatever).
But what is truly interesting about New York City is that, to a mild-mannered Canadian boy like myself, who dutifully eats his American culture with his TV-dinners, New York appears entirely to be a parody of itself. At any moment I expected entire edifices to slide away and reveal that New York City was not a real place at all but a fantasy wonderland equal in kind to Disney's Magic Kingdom, a Zone of Possibility that exists purely for the amazement of village jabronies like myself.
Despite this aspect of unreality, I momentarily became enthused with the possibility of living in this Alterity-Space, and fantasized about all the fun adventures I would have and all the stories I would tell the yokels back home (Side Note: Family, Friends, People of Canada: this Yokel talk is all image, posturing and contrivance; in truth I love you, respect you, would never believe you to be a bumpkin, et cetera, let's get back to the trash-talk as the truth of the matter shall soon resolve itself [colon]:). This feeling of majesty and wonder lasted until my feet, on the way back to the subway, began to ache, and the garbage piled up on the streets began to smell, and the Metro-card system of fare-payment failed and cost me several American dollars and would not read my credit card - a series of events leading to Ultimate Humiliation.
Look, the point of all this is only to say two things:
1. Oh, now I get why all those stories take place in New York!
2. Why do they call it the Big Apple?
Countervailing opinions, similarly drivellous rumination, and answers to 2 (above) all accepted below.
P.S. Soup Kitchen International Really does have crab bisque, but they don't have Medium (a size choice I approve of, because honestly if you're not going to bother measuring it just tell me is it big, or is it small).